Past few days my thoughts have become more of a self talk. When the heart breaks, it is the brain that gets entangled in all kinds of thoughts; positive and negative, especially when someone steps on your emotions and self esteem all at the same time.
It’s for one more time in my life that my heart is broken. It’s kind of weird feeling this time as on one side, I am feeling indifferent to whatever happened and on the other, I am feeling sad for losing someone whom I loved with my whole heart. I don’t know whether he loved me or not, cause he never expressed his love for me directly. Somewhere his actions showed that he too had the same feelings for me and I was still happy with that. But probably, his love for me was not as much important to him as his anger and ego, which came between us and tore us apart.
In a healthy relationship, people fight, get mad at each other, have arguements, but then they come back together, as love and the person they love is more important to them than anything else. What distresses me more is that I have never found a person who valued me and loved me more than his ego. The kind of a person who will keep holding on to me no matter how worse the situation gets, the one who will never make me feel ignored, unwanted or lonely in his company.
Till now, I have only come across people who had huge pride and ego, for whom love was just a word, who never gave a commitment and even when given couldn’t keep it till end. And, I feel worse that I gave my 100% to those who didn’t even deserve my 50!
Then I start asking myself…Why do I always keep falling for the wrong ones? Why has never a right person approached me? Why am I so unlucky when it comes to finding the love of my life? I have been broken so many times and every time I have stood up and tried to love again, but failed miserably. Every time when a new person came in my life, he made me think that this time it will work. But no, it never did. It always failed. What was my mistake? I always gave my best. I always valued that person. I always paid gratitude to God for bringing that person in my life. Where did I go wrong then? People just took me for granted, didn’t value my presence, belittled me, and didn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
Sometimes, I just get angry on myself for wasting my precious feelings on these worthless people. I know that it’s not me who is lacking anything. It’s them who aren’t capable of loving, who aren’t courageous enough to commit for lifetime, who aren’t willing to stand by and fight through difficult times. And, I deserve someone much much better than them…I deserve nothing but the best. In fact, it won’t be fair to compare that ” Best one” with the past ones.
There are times when I feel tired waiting for that “Right” person to come in my life. I just have no energy and strength left to deal with the wrong ones anymore. It feels better to be single, atleast my heart won’t be at the risk of getting hurt again.
Whatever the thing might be…one thing that I have decided now is that I won’t wait for anyone. Deep down my heart knows that the right person for me exists and will arrive at the right time. So I need not waste my time waiting. All I have to do now is stop looking for him and get going with my life.
This time I have decided to change my attitude. I want to spend a quality time introspecting and exploring myself. I want to shower on myself all the love and affection that I kept offering to the ones who never valued it. I want to enjoy my own company as much as I can. I want to give it all to myself first and build myself into strong, confident and successful person. I want to dedicate this precious time of my life to myself and for my personal growth and development. I want to make my goals, my priority, and excel in every sphere of life. The way I have given my 100% to others, this time I want to give that 100% to myself.
I want to achieve something worthwhile now. I want to use all this hurt and pain as a motivating force to push me forward towards success. I know, this is going to be difficult in the beginning, but I also know that it isn’t impossible. I believe, I have the will and the power in me, and I CAN DO IT !
All I decide now is to focus on my goals, make my dreams come true, and to be happy and smiling through all good and bad times…. To keep fighting and never give up!