Heartbreak and Self talk

Past few days my thoughts have become more of a self talk. When the heart breaks, it is the brain that gets entangled in all kinds of thoughts; positive and negative, especially when someone steps on your emotions and self esteem all at the same time.

It’s for one more time in my life that my heart is broken. It’s kind of weird feeling this time as on one side, I am feeling indifferent to whatever happened and on the other, I am feeling sad for losing someone whom I loved with my whole heart. I don’t know whether he loved me or not, cause he never expressed his love for me directly. Somewhere his actions showed that he too had the same feelings for me and I was still happy with that. But probably, his love for me was not as much important to him as his anger and ego, which came between us and tore us apart.

In a healthy relationship, people fight, get mad at each other, have arguements, but then they come back together, as love and the person they love is more important to them than anything else. What distresses me more is that I have never found a person who valued me and loved me more than his ego. The kind of a person who will keep holding on to me no matter how worse the situation gets, the one who will never make me feel ignored, unwanted or lonely in his company.

Till now, I have only come across people who had huge pride and ego, for whom love was just a word, who never gave a commitment and even when given couldn’t keep it till end. And, I feel worse that I gave my 100% to those who didn’t even deserve my 50!

Then I start asking myself…Why do I always keep falling for the wrong ones? Why has never a right person approached me? Why am I so unlucky when it comes to finding the love of my life? I have been broken so many times and every time I have stood up and tried to love again, but failed miserably. Every time when a new person came in my life, he made me think that this time it will work. But no, it never did. It always failed. What was my mistake? I always gave my best. I always valued that person. I always paid gratitude to God for bringing that person in my life. Where did I go wrong then? People just took me for granted, didn’t value my presence, belittled me, and didn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Sometimes, I just get angry on myself for wasting my precious feelings on these worthless people. I know that it’s not me who is lacking anything. It’s them who aren’t capable of loving, who aren’t courageous enough to commit for lifetime, who aren’t willing to stand by and fight through difficult times. And, I deserve someone much much better than them…I deserve nothing but the best. In fact, it won’t be fair to compare that ” Best one” with the past ones.

There are times when I feel tired waiting for that “Right” person to come in my life. I just have no energy and strength left to deal with the wrong ones anymore. It feels better to be single, atleast my heart won’t be at the risk of getting hurt again.

Whatever the thing might be…one thing that I have decided now is that I won’t wait for anyone. Deep down my heart knows that the right person for me exists and will arrive at the right time. So I need not waste my time waiting. All I have to do now is stop looking for him and get going with my life.

This time I have decided to change my attitude. I want to spend a quality time introspecting and exploring myself. I want to shower on myself all the love and affection that I kept offering to the ones who never valued it. I want to enjoy my own company as much as I can. I want to give it all to myself first and build myself into strong, confident and successful person. I want to dedicate this precious time of my life to myself and for my personal growth and development. I want to make my goals, my priority, and excel in every sphere of life. The way I have given my 100% to others, this time I want to give that 100% to myself.

I want to achieve something worthwhile now. I want to use all this hurt and pain as a motivating force to push me forward towards success. I know, this is going to be difficult in the beginning, but I also know that it isn’t impossible. I believe, I have the will and the power in me, and I CAN DO IT !

All I decide now is to focus on my goals, make my dreams come true, and to be happy and smiling through all good and bad times…. To keep fighting and never give up!

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Finding Myself…

  At present, I am 25 years old, having no job, just sitting at home and waiting for my MA -Part 2 results. I aspire to bag a job in a public sector bank, but I am not able to put as much amount of efforts in studies as needed to crack the recruitment exam. For some reason, I feel stuck and life seems going nowhere.

    I almost wasted my two months doing nothing productive apart from learning typing, which I started a month back. Learning typing is the only thing which I feel is keeping me somewhere on right track. Though I feel bored with it at times, it’s a skill which will surely benefit me in future. It’s been a month since I joined the typing class and I am quite a lot enjoying it.

  Yesterday I was feeling very hopeless thinking about my future. I was feeling very lost and confused. And not just yesterday, this is what I have been feeling past two months. So last night too I slept with this low feeling in my mind. In my mind, I was hopefully waiting for my condition to change. Nothing seemed to motivate me all these days. I was feeling lethargic.

  Today morning when I woke up and started with my chores, I suddenly felt a positive spark within me. I got a thought that why am I wasting my days just making a fuss about what I don’t have with me, where instead I can make the most out of what I already have with me. Immediately, I took the newspaper and started going through it. I was reading newspaper after a very long time. I wondered how I could stay away from reading all these days. I realized that I was so much in love with English language that it always gave me immense pleasure whenever I read or wrote or spoke in English. Moreover, being an English literature student, English language was so close to my heart that even though English was not my mother tongue I thought my thoughts in English!

  So English is something that brought a ray of hope and positivity within me. There is so much productive I can do with this language itself : Read English newspapers, magazines, blogs, books,…writing blogs, diary, poems, stories,..in English …working on my vocabulary, grammar, spoken language,…etc. Moreover, English is one of the subjects I have for my competitive exams. So working on my English can help me reap great benefits in every way.

 So, today I decided to start working on my English in every possible way. And now, along with typing,, I have one more skill to improve, and that is my English language. Realizing what a versatile gift I have with me right now has helped me come out of my hopeless mode. Now, I am looking forward to make this language an asset for me and discover new horizons.

  I can now say that at times we may feel we are lost or stuck somewhere in life, but all we have to do is keep faith that with time, things will take a turn for better and help us discover our right path.  

 

  

   

    

 

Man vs. Nature

Some things are better understood by observing the nature around us and being aware that we are also a part of it. All animals easily adapt themselves to their environment the moment they are born. But man has to be taught and has to learn the basic things for his survival. How much ever man considers himself to be advanced and intelligent, he many a times fails to acknowledge the fact that he, just like other living beings, is a part of nature.

Man thinks that other animals or trees around him cannot talk his language and so he tries to impose his language upon them. There have been many attempts by scientists and researchers to teach words and speech from human languages to wild animals like chimpanzees. And such experiments have miserably failed, also causing harm to the animals.

Man, at times, fails to identify himself as a unique species of animal having unique features. A dog barks, a cow moos, an owl hoots and a man talks. A dog may not be expecting a man to bark like it, neither does a owl expects a cow to hoot. Why then a man thinks that other animals who can’t speak his language are not as intelligent as he is ?

Man has his own unique features, designed to serve his purpose and role on the earth, just the way other animals have their’s, in order to fulfill their purpose of living. Each being is designed differently and has to play their role in the life cycle.

Man categorises the world around him as natural and man made. He uses natural resourses, processes them, regenerate things that help him adapt to the environment, thus giving birth to ‘man-made’ world!

Marriage: My perspective

1. People should be happy within their own company first. Then only they can be happy with any other relationship, including marriage. You cannot expect any other person to make you happy if you aren’t happy with your ownself.

2. Marriage will happen at right time, with the right person, for the right reason. Just be open to giving and receiving love.

Be positive, be patient and do not hurry.

3. Build yourself first..clear any emotional baggages..any prejudices…any false assumptions or notions…any complexes. Let go of the past, build your present and hope for the best bright future.

4. Prepare your mind to be receptive to changes that will come in your life with marriage. Change is universal, accept with open mind. Do not be judgemental.

5. Never get married if you are in loneliness or negative mindset regarding marriage. Because these negativity if persists within you, will negatively impact your life partner too. Do not marry just for the sake of it.

6. Marriage is a commitment to be together in sunshine as well as storms.

7. Responsibilities should be equally distributed.  Be a responsible individual first to be a responsible life partner.

8. Communication is important. Women and men think differently. You cannot expect your partner to always have same perspective or to always agree on any topic. But through communication you come to know about each other’s outlook and needs.

9. Giving each other time is important.

10. Never take people and their emotions for granted.

11. Any relationship takes time to grow and blossom. Understanding each other requires patience. It’s not just about being husband-wife or parents to your kids later, it’s about being friends, being soul-mates.

12. Mutual efforts should be put. Both partners should be willing to contribute.Team work.

13. Be genuine. Be truthful and trustworthy and loyal. Be loving and caring. Be considerate. Keep moving by maintaining balance.

14. Accept the person as they are. Don’t force anyone to change.

15. When two people are involved there are bound to be differences as well as similarities. Cherish the similarities and work on the differences. Helping each other grow into better individuals.

16. Respect each other’s individuality. Remember each person is different.

17. Don’t keep unrealistic expectations.

18. Disputes might occur but both the partners should be willing to sort out..learn to forgive.

19.Love, respect, understanding, romance, support and all that it takes is not a one time job. It should be practiced daily. It’s like a plant, if you don’t water it daily, it will wither away and die eventually.

Nurture it with care.

20. Stand by your partner. Support them, appreciate them, encourage them, show confidence. Be transparent to each other.

21. Just like no two fingers are same, similarly no two couples have the same story. Every marriage relationship is unique, so do not compare with others.

22. Understand that even though two people are tying knot to be together forever..it’s not easy thing. It has its own odds..ups and downs. But when it happens in right manner it is the beautiful journey. Enjoy!

A journey worth it.

23. And once you begin the journey you will explore many more things.

24. Remember life is not smooth always. And difficult times are to test the strength of relation, which can only be proven when overcome together and with unity.

25. Practice observing couples who are happily married..do not observe the ones who give negative take on marriage. There are lot of examples of happily married couples who have grown old together, died together, fought all the problems that came in life…together.

And this topic can just go on and on…You do not know how marriage can be unless you get actual personal experience…it all depends on destiny.

Live in reality but dream big and positive picture. I may not have personally experienced marriage yet. But, I believe, when two hearts are true to each other, everything is possible.

“Just hope for the best….wish u a very happy married life.” 😀😊

Exam time…

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When mind swings constantly from this to that thought,

I remember the oscillations of a pendulum clock.

At one moment I jump with a positive high,

At another I am low with a negative sigh.

When they are round the corner, 

I begin to fear,

I start questioning myself,

Are my concepts clear?

Will I be able to attempt all of them right?

Going wrong is just so dreadful sight! 

Till the moment I finish writing them and come out, 

That’s the only topic I will keep worrying about.

Whether I pass or fail is not what I worry,

Will I remember and recall all that I read in hurry?

Coz exams are something which give me a lot of stress, 

This issue is something I really need to address. 

The only solution to my anxiety is to keep studying more, 

To keep reading until my confidence level soars. 

Wonders of social networking

I remember my childhood days. I was an introvert. I used to struggle making friends. I did not know how to approach people. Many a times I made good friends but did not know what to talk, how to communicate and what to communicate. My inner self was always willing to be social and extrovert. But outwardly, I kept holding myself back and aloof from people. There was a time when I struggled in my English composition paper when the ‘dialogue writing’ question appeared. Practically, it was the easiest question in the English paper, but for a person like me, who couldn’t initiate a conversation and couldn’t take it far even if initiated, it was the most dreaded question of all. This is what I was my entire school life.

Later, when I entered Degree College, there came the latest trend of smart phones, instant messaging and social networking. I got my first smart phone when I was in my late teens. I installed social networking and instant messaging apps in my phone. And that’s when my transformation began.

As we all know how addictive smart phones can be at times. I, too, got glued to it. When I first installed the apps, I received “Hey…Welcome…What’s up…” messages from my friends who already had their accounts on the apps. Since it was my initial stage, I used to feel slightly intimidated by the way I took forward the conversations. But gradually, it became a part of my daily routine.  I used to chat daily with my friends.

I was pursuing my graduation through distance education. So I did not have to attend my college regularly. My biggest fear in these days was that, I might become asocial, and not meeting people would affect my confidence level when I had to come across them.

But, thankfully, due to the smart phone and social networking technology, I didn’t feel that I was away from people and all my friends. Distance didn’t matter and everyone seemed to be closer. Chatting daily on instant messaging apps helped me a great deal to develop conversation and communication skills. And soon, even before I could realize, I had almost mastered my conversational skills…I could then easily initiate conversations and have a good dialogue with my friends and acquaintances over apps as well as in person. I also got a good command over my spoken languages, especially English.

I am very much thankful to this technology as it helped me get over my introvert nature, gain more confidence and also develop my communication skills. Now, after using Messaging and Social networking apps for around 4- 5 years, I feel more comfortable connecting with the outside world. And now, I don’t hesitate to initiate face-to-face conversation with new people too.

 

The Smell Of A New Book

The doorbell rang. I opened the door and received my delivery of last week’s online purchases. Eagerly, I opened the package and with a pleasant smile removed the contents out of the box. Ah! Lovely! Books! I took one in my hand and started flipping the pages. Wow! The smell of a new book. Instantly, my memory took a ride to the past times; my school days.

I remember, every year in the month of June, there used to be a lot of hustle and bustle, and excitement of the new academic year. June was the month when, after two months of summer vacations, children started preparing for their new academic year. The school purchases included school bag, uniform, shoes, stationery, and most important- the books.

What I loved the most about new books was not just the fresh content or fresh syllabus, but the fresh smell. The smell of a new book was as pleasant as the smell of the earth after the first rain showers! And, coincidently in my city, both of these happened to be in month of June. This lovely fragrance seemed a perfect beginning of the academic year.

I have, and I think many of us who love books, have a pleasant memory associated with the smell of the new books. It is something that bonds us with that book, something which connects our soul to the book. Sometimes it delights me so much that my mind mingles with the smell of the book rather than the words in it!

…And then, when my mind came back to the present, I realized that not much has changed from school to post graduation years. I still feel ecstatic when I handle a fresh, new book. And still, it marks the fresh, new beginnings!